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.Ingeneral, congruence of position in a group indicates that allmembers are in agreement.If the group has two points ofview, the advocates of each viewpoint will take different131 BODY LANGUAGEpositions.Each subgroup will be congruent in itself, butnon-congruent to the other subgroup.Old friends when arguing or discussing something will'adopt congruent positions to show that, in spite of thediscussion, they are still friends.A husband and wife whoare very close will adopt congruent postures when one isunder attack.In body language, the other is saying, 'Isupport you.I'm on your side.'People who wish to show that they are a cut above therest of a group may deliberately take a non-congruentposition.In doctor-patient, parent-child, teacher-studentrelationships, the postures will be non-congruent, againto show status or importance.The man at a businessmeeting who deliberately adopts an unusual position doesthis in an attempt to indicate his higher status.I know of a top editor in a publishing house whoadopts a most curious position during conferences.Heleans back and clasps his hands high above his head, thenkeeps them behind his head, his elbows extended likewings.This at once sets him apart and indicates hisstatus.It makes him higher than the other men at theconference.It was pointed out to me, however, that a close sub-ordinate of this man will often, after a stated interval, copythe editor's exact position, saying in body language,'I am on your side.I am faithful to you, my leader.'He may also be saying, ' I am trying to bask in your re-flected importance.' There is also the possibility that he issaying,' I am trying to take over from you.'The leader at any gathering, family or social, often setsthe position for the group and one by one the others fallin.In a family, if the wife sets the position, then thechances are that she has the strongest hand in decision-making and, in effect, wears the pants in the family.132 POSITIONS, POINTS AND POSTURESThree Clues to Family BehaviourStudy the table arrangements of a family carefully.Who takes a seat first and where? A psychologist friendof mine who has made a study of table seating analysedthe positioning of a family of five in terms of the familyrelationships.'In this family,' he explained, 'the father sits at thehead of the table, and he is also the dominant member ofthe family.His wife is not in competition with him fordominance, and she sits to his immediate right.Therationale is that they are close enough to share someintimacy at the table, and yet they are also close to thechildren.'Now the positioning of the children is interesting.The eldest girl who is in competition with the motherfor the father's affection, on an unconscious level, sitsto the father's left, in congruence with the mother'sposition.'The youngest, a boy, is interested in his mother, anormal situation for a boy, and he sits to her right, a spaceaway from his father.The middle child, a girl, sits to hersister's left.Her position at the table, like her position inthe family is ambivalent.'What is interesting about this arrangement is theunconscious placement of all the members in accord-ance with interfamily relationships.This selecting posi-tion can start as early as the selecting of a table.There ismore jockeying for dominance possible around anoblong table than around a round one.The positioning of the husband and wife is importantin understanding the family set-up.A husband and wifeat either end of a long table are usually in conflict over133 BODY LANGUAGEthe dominant position in the family, even if the conflictexists on an unconscious level.When the husband and wife choose to sit diagonally,they are usually secure in their marital roles and have set-tled their conflict one way or the other.Which one sits atthe head?Of course, if the table is small and they face each otheracross it, this may be the most comfortable position forintimacy.Positions at a table can give a clue to dominance withina family.Another clue to interfamily relationships lies inthe tightness or looseness of a family.A photographer friend of mine was recently assignedto shoot some informal pictures of a mayoral candidate ina large Midwestern city.He spent a day with the familyand came away muttering unhappily:'Maybe I got one decent shot,' he told me.'I askedhim to call his dog and it was the only time he relaxed.'Asked to explain, my friend said,' The house was oneof those up-tight places, the tightest one I've ever beenin.Plastic covers on the lamp shades, everything in place,everything perfect - his damned wife followed me aroundpicking up flashbulbs and catching the ashes from mycigarettes in a tray.How could I get a relaxed shot?'I knew what he meant for I have seen many homes likethat, homes that represent a 'closed' family.Everythingabout the family is closed in, tight.Even the posturesthey take are rigid and unbending.Everything is in placein these neat, formal homes.We can usually be sure that the family in such a homeis less spontaneous, more tense, less likely to have liberalopinions, to entertain unusual ideas and far more likelyto conform to the standards of the community.By contrast the 'open' family will have a lived-in134 POSITIONS, POINTS AND POSTURESlook to their house, an untidy, perhaps disorganizedappearance.They will be less rigid, less demanding, freerand more open in thought and action.In the closed family each member is likely to have hisown chair, his own territory.In the open family itseldom matters who sits where.Whoever gets therefirst belongs.On a body-language level the closed family signals itstightness by its tight movements, it formal manner andcareful posture.The open family signals its openness bylooser movements, careless postures and informal man-ners.Its body language cries out,' Relax.Nothing is veryimportant.Be at ease.'The two attitudes are reflected in a tactile sense by themother's behaviour with her children.Is she a tense,holding mother or a relaxed, careless one? Her attitudeinfluences her children and is reflected in their behaviour.These, of course, are the two extreme ends.Mostfamilies fall somewhere in between, have some amount ofopenness and some closedness.Some are equally bal-anced and some incline towards one or the other end ofthe scale.The outsider studying any family can useopenness or closedness as a clue to understanding it.Athird and equally significant clue is family imitation.Who imitates whom in the family? We mentioned be-fore that if the wife sets the pace by initiating certainmovements which the rest of the family follow, thenshe is probably the dominant partner.Among brothers and sisters dominance can be easilyspotted by watching the child who makes the first moveand noticing those who follow.Respect in a family can be understood by watchinghow body language is copied.Does the son copy thefather's gestures? The daughter the mother's? If so we135 BODY LANGUAGEcan be reasonably sure the family set-up is in good shape.Watch out when the son begins to copy the mother'smovements, the daughter her father's.These are earlybody-language warnings.' I am off on the wrong track.I need to be set straight.'The thoughtful psychologist, treating a patient, willtry to discover something of the entire family set-up and,most important, of the place of his patient in the family.To treat a patient as an individual aside from hisfamily is to have little understanding of the most impor-tant area of his life, his relationship to his family
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