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.What the hell are you doing?Are you trying to be with Ethan or are you trying to figure out how you feel about me? Do you want me to flirt? Do you want me to get all hot and heavy again? I can't tell, and that's the truth, Paul.I know you want me to come for 'My Fair Lady', and I want to be there.But I think we want different things from it, and frankly I think it would be a huge, painful mess.And honestly, with what I told you, can you really see me being around you and Ethan and things going well?Class, gotta go.LOVE—getting the point, here?GrayApril 25Dear Paul,Okay, I have to mail this.I was going to rip it up, start over, and just try to smooth things, but fuck that.You want honest, you want to know what's going on in my head, fine.I am happy that you've found someone you like.I wish I could.I am not drinking at all, and frankly I bore myself like this.I am spending a lot of time at the library in town, reading crap.I don't like it here.I miss you like crazy.I don't know why we split up.Do you? I don't think I can be in the same city as you and not try to get you in bed.I don't want to do that, because I don't know what you want.I want to be your friend more than I want to fuck you.Which is a lot.I want to know why you put quotes around 'make love' in reference to Ethan, because if you're not making love you're fucking and, frankly, two months of fucking should be making love by this point.I want to know why you're so freaking upset about me trying to back off and let you have your relationship with him without me sending you porn starring you and me.Right.That's about it.I love you,GrayWritten on his good stationery again, only the handwriting is worse than usual.Dated April 28Goddamnit, Gray, if you apologize to me one more time I will fly out there and make you eat it.Jesus Christ.Okay, now I am going to be civilized.Dear Gray,I'm not going to apologize for forcing a real, honest, sober, emotional response out of you.Yes, I was pushing your buttons a bit, and I guess I was vaguely aware of that, but I'm not sorry I did it.I do have responses to that bout of honesty you shot at me though, so here they are:I'm not happy that you're miserable.It actually saddens me.It makes me worry.But most of all, it makes me wonder why the fuck you went there in the first place.You asked why we split up? You had a job at a preppie New England college, and I wanted to go to San Francisco.Seemed perfectly reasonable at the time.Because men fuck, right? They don't fall in love.And they certainly don't fall in love at, what were we.25?I put 'make love' in quotes because Ethan and I don't make love.We fuck, Gray.You're usually very clever, I would have thought you'd have picked up on that.I think the emotion of all of this is dulling your wit.Ethan wants company, and he does want romance three or four nights a week, but he has no interest in sharing a household or in another daddy for Jessica and Matthew.Zero.He's not seeing anyone else as far as I know, but we've grown as much as we're going to.We wine, dine, dance, kiss on the beaches at sunset and walk through the park holding hands and we fuck like animals in his extended king-size bed, and then I go home or to work the next morning after breakfast and wait for him to call.It was great for a while, but I'm getting as much as he wants to give at this point.So, yeah, I'm upset about you backing off because I don't want you to.There's a no-brainer.Because I miss the fuck out of you, Gray.I really like our friendship.Hell with that, I need it, like oxygen or something.I'd agree that I want to be your friend more than I want to fuck you.but I also want to fuck you.Or be fucked by you.Hard.But what does that mean? This could be a rebound thing.It could be a 'you need me and I like to be needed' thing, it could just be that you're a kindred spirit and I like the way we sort of fit together when things are good.I don't know.It could be that I wish you'd never gone to that waspy college in East Bumblefuck New England.Then again, I'm not even sure I know what I'm talking about.Which leads me to that UCSF stuff.oh, and the Berkeley brochures I'm including in this letter, too.You'd love Berkeley, they're all about talk there and that's right up your alley.Anyway, I sent that stuff mostly because I hate to see you miserable and those are the schools that I have access to and I am trying to hint that maybe you should look around for somewhere you'll be happier before you end up tenured and the ball and chain is too heavy to bear.And, you know, as long as you'd be moving for a new job.I sort of selfishly would love to see you out here.That should answer most of what you wanted to know, I think.Probably more than I need to be telling you at this point, because I really don't like my heart out on my sleeve.Please, Gray, give it some thought before you pummel it again.I'm glad you're not drinking.I harp on this I know, but my dad was a drunk and I'm not blind.I'm not saying you're a drunk, baby.I'm just saying be careful.So are you actually trying to tell me that I read too much into your not signing "love" at the end of your last letter? Well fuck that, your letter was a blatant attempt to put me at arm's length in order to make things easier for you to deal with (all the while claiming it was really for me, clever) and I wasn't going to let you get away with that.And I love how you're all up in my face about how I don't say what I mean, when you dance around your own insecurities like you're walking on hot coals.Hm.That might be a little unfair of me to say.But I'm leaving it in.Are you a Pisces? I think you're a Pisces.Anyway.I said I wasn't going to apologize, but actually I do owe you one.I'm sorry that I freaked you out by taking so long to write that last letter.I was so frustrated by the way you were neatly removing yourself that every time I tried to write I got two paragraphs into scathing, mean spirited muck and then tore it up.I don't mind saying things that need to be said, but I don't like being mean just to upset someone.I hope you can understand that
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