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. I know, Shaw said. You tell them what you think they need to know when yousee them, and keep what you need a secret.You look out for yourself first, Lee. Fuck.That was harsh.For all he knew, Mom and Dad Anderson were the kindest,most loving, most understanding parents on the planet.For all he knew, they both had Lisa Henry | The Island 133advanced degrees in psychology.And what was Shaw s stellar advice? Avoidance.Thatwas the best thing about avoidance, though.You got to avoid shit.You sure you should be giving advice on mental-health coping mechanisms, king of thenight terrors?And there was that look again: full of trust and hope.Shaw hated that look. I m going to tell you something, Shaw said, and I want you to really try andlisten, okay? Okay, Lee murmured. When I get home, Shaw said, to my flat, I mean, not just Sydney, the first thingI ll do is get undressed and get in the shower.And then I ll take the dog for a walk tothe dry cleaners.And when I get those clothes back, I won t wear them.I ll put them ina box at the back of my cupboard.Those are my work clothes.Suits, boxers, T-shirts, itdoesn t matter.I won t wear them except for work.I won t even look at them.Youunderstand? Lee narrowed his eyes. You mean I should put everything that happened to mein a box in the back of a cupboard? If you have to, Shaw said. Not forever, not always.Just until you need to take itout again. Lee wrinkled his nose. I thought you were James Bond, not Dr.Phil. You and me, Lee, Shaw said. We re out of Dr.Phil s pay grade. Lee s lips quirked. Everything that happened, Shaw said, it will always be there.But you have tolearn how to put it away.I m not the same guy I was on that island.That was work, andshit, Lee, I hope you know that.I hope you know that me, the real me, wouldn t havelet it go that far. His heart was thumping.Shit.What was that? He hadn t meant to unburdenhimself like that.Lee didn t need to have the passenger seat on Shaw s personal guilttrip along with everything else. You saved me, Lee said.He blinked in confusion.Shaw knew his regret showed on his face. Lee, I could have saved you the night Imet you. Lee shrank back.His mouth worked for a moment, but nothing came.The look onhis face, Shaw thought stricken, trapped must have been the one Vornis saw inColombia.The one when Lee came face-to-face with a monster.Shaw gazed back.I want you, Lee, but you deserve better.You have to know that.Youhave to know what I am.Someone has to. I understand, Lee said at last. You think I don t, but I do.I know why youwaited.I know it was important. Lisa Henry | The Island 134Shaw frowned slightly. No, you don t understand.I m not your savior, and I msure as hell not your redemption.You need to remember that I let Vornis take you backall those times without a single objection. What difference does that make? Lee scowled, jutting out his chin. A few moresessions after so many.What difference is it? Aggression, Shaw thought; that s interesting.Shaw folded his arms across his chest. It doesn t make a difference to you, Lee,not in the long run, but it makes a difference to us.You trust me because your head isn tin the right place yet.But when it is, you ll see exactly what went down on that island.At the moment, you don t understand what I mean. You ll see exactly how I failed you. Don t tell me what I ll see, Lee said.He was breathing heavily. Don t tell mewhat I ll feel.You are the only one who looked me in the eye in that place.You are theonly one who saw me.And you saved me. I did, Shaw said. But not soon enough. Not soon enough to deserve you. I don t Lee managed, and couldn t finish the thought: I don t understand.Shaw smiled slightly.He d proven himself right, and there was a sort of a grimsatisfaction in that.God knows it was the only satisfaction he warranted out of thiswhole sorry incident.Lee chewed on his lower lip, and hell, that was distracting. There s something else, he said, keeping his tone gentle.Lee s brilliant green eyes flicked up and down but not before Shaw saw the tears.Shaw s stomach churned. You ll be okay, he said. You will be.You ll go home,and you ll see your parents, and you ll see a shrink, and you ll be okay.You ve doneyour time, Lee.You get to relax now.You get to have your life back.Any life youwant. Oh, Jesus.He had a sudden vision of Lee, old and fat and happy.And it made himwant to laugh.It made him want to be the other old, fat, happy guy in that mentalpicture.He wanted them to take turns yelling at kids to get off their lawn. Maybe& maybe it s you that doesn t understand, Lee said, blinking away histears. I know you think I m just a weak kid.I mean, I am, I know that, but you mademe stronger.You didn t hurt me.I believed you when you said you d help me.I didn texpect you to save me.I thought you d just make a call, like you said, and that wasmore than I could have hoped for.You think I didn t know what you were risking bytelling me you d help me? I might not have known what you were, but I knew Vorniswould kill you as well. Shaw had no answer for that. Lisa Henry | The Island 135Lee trailed his fingers across the keys of the laptop. You think he didn t ask meabout you? You know what he couldn t get over? The number of times you showered.Know what I told him? Shaw shook his head. I told him you liked to force my head back and see how long it took before Istarted to choke under the water. Lee shivered. He got a kick out of that. Shaw swallowed with difficulty.Lee looked up at him. So don t tell me that I don t understand what was goingon.I was your fucking accomplice every time I was with Vornis. He frowned, and hiseyes flashed. And don t ever tell me that you didn t save me, because that is bullshit! Okay, Shaw said.Lee s sudden fierceness surprised him.He reached out andtook Lee s hand again. Okay, Lee. Lee pulled his hand back quickly, like he d been stung.He breathed heavily for amoment.His teeth were clenched, and there was a tic in his jaw. Don t do that. Okay, Shaw said again.He fought to keep his face impassive.Lee swallowed. I just mean, when you touch me, I want more. Holy shit.From any other guy in any other circumstances, Shaw would have beenflashing a cocky grin: I know it! But this wasn t right.This whole conversation had beena mistake.It wasn t Lee s job to soothe Shaw s conscience, and it wasn t fair of Shaw toput this shit on him now.He should have just shut his mouth until Sydney and walkedaway.Because that was all that could happen
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